Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going “Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.”
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here.
I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I have a new CD; it’s in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I’m shopping. That’s how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
Funny stuff. His new CD came out 9/9. Get it. Now.
Google Homepage and one of my sections is the Quote of the Day. I got curious after seeing a funny Mitch Hedberg saying so I went clicky clicky on the link and here’s what I found, they’re pretty funny so I thought I’d share.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say “Mitch,” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress” the daughter-in-law explained.
“But you’re naked!” exclaimed the mother-in-law.
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.
I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” said the daughter-in-law.
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “are they ALL YOURS???”
“Yep they are all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down Leroy.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Leroy.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
Well, this one he is Leroy, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy.
“All right,” says the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?”
Their Momma replied, “Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ an’ they all comes a runnin.’ An if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you want just ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their last names.”
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
“Tony, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher.
“What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”
“Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking”