Here are the lyrics… or what I think she is saying. Feel free to leave a comment to correct anything.

Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Here’s a youtube vid, doubt it’ll stay online forever though.

Portman: I don’t sleep mother f***er
off that yak and durban
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: D**n Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the f*** up and suck my d**k
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers mother f***er
roll up on NBC and smack the s**t outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to f*** all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you s**t in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
f*** your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my d**k
It’s Portman mother f***er
drink till I’m sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you natalie
Portman: I wanna f*** you too
P is for portman
P is for <meow>
i’ll kill your f**in dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a s**t

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass biiiiiiiitch (hell yeah!)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my s**t gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my d**k is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

What!

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say “Mitch,” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that now matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress” the daughter-in-law explained.

“But you’re naked!” exclaimed the mother-in-law.

“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” said the daughter-in-law.

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress” she replied.

“You should’ve ironed it!” said her husband.

“Tony, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher.

“What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”

“Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xtuxax8Dtk4

Check out Smoother’s earlier post.

Here are some of my fav’s, taken from Wikiquote:

• Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going “Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
• See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.”
• I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
• I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.
• I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.
• I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
• I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”
• I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here.
• I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
• I have a new CD; it’s in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I’m shopping. That’s how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

Funny stuff.  His new CD came out 9/9.  Get it.  Now.

If you like this post, you should read how to get drunk on  $5 or less.

Alcohol Makes Girls Sexy – Watch more free videos
Or link is here

THIS VIDEO IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! (Unless you work for a phone sex company or something, then I’m sure it’s no problem.)