Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less

Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).

It’s not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom Collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on “New Kids night” at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it’s them.

Number 9. Be female.

Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can’t expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend come by and “save you”, then move on to the next guy.

Number 8. Try Medication.

Sleeping pills. Allergy pills. If it says “do not take alcohol with this drug” or “do not operate a motorized vehicle while under the influence of this drug”, it must be good! Intelligent students such as ourselves, while not having a shred of pharmaceutical knowledge, can see that these statements are a plot by alcohol producers to keep us buying large quantities of booze.

Number 7. If it ends in ‘ol, drink it!

Alcohol isn’t the only intoxicant ending in ‘ol’. Methanol, Butanol and Propanol are all fine safe intoxicants, often available at bargain prices. Stay away from aerosol, cholesterol, and drool.

Number 6. Sleep Deprivation and Sickness.

For some reason, your body doesn’t want you to have any fun, and actively fights alcohol -enhancement. When you’re sick, and tired, your body’s defenses are at their lowest. This means its often one of the most cost effective times to get plastered! Best of all, if you puke, you can blame it on the flu.

Number 5. Try Antifreeze

Hey, ten thousand deranged alcoholic street people can’t be wrong!

Number 4. Smash and Grab.

Drunk on less than five bucks? Try drunk for free! If you’re smart enough to figure out your news reader, chances are you’re smart enough to plan a little robbery. But don’t forget to take the time to pour the perfect beer.

Number 3. Scavenge.

Go to any bar and you’ll usually see alcohol that people just don’t want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables, with chairs with jackets on them that people also don’t want. Grab the booze, and the jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily though. You wouldn’t believe how many losers will pretend that they really wanted their cast offs. Finders keepers!

Number 2. Hang around with Losers or Generous People (same thing)

Some people are crazed enough to buy alcohol for other people, and expect nothing in return. Well, they might expect after they buy you a round that you’ll do the same, but you never signed any contract. Generous people usually stop buying alcohol when they realize what a cheap bastard you are, but losers will usually keep on doing it. They’ll be so overwhelmed by the fact that you’re actually talking to them, they won’t worry about little details, like that they’re spending their tuition money to get you pissed.

And now …(drum-roll)… The Number 1 Way to get Drunk… for Five Dollars or Less: … Make Beer Fast!

Finger the originator of this article, an address will be given. Mail one beer to this address. Using saturation posting techniques, repost this article to enough newsgroups for about a million people to see it. Within a few weeks you’ll have received a million beers. In another few weeks the postal system will collapse…

… address coming soon…

Don’t use the “R” word: According to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BAFT), the word “refreshing” can’t be utilized when describing alcohol beverages. That forces us, the alcohol consumers, to describe beer as brisk, gin as invigorating, and wine as reviving. That’s right BAFT, we have a thesaurus.

When in Rome, Don’t Act Like You Are: Thanks to the Drug Free Schools and Campuses Act, an underage student studying abroad is forbade from drinking alcohol, even if they are in a country where they meet the drinking age requirements. Of course, this sort of defeats the purpose of studying abroad altogether: what’s the point of drinking in a different culture if you aren’t allowed to be drinking in a different culture.

Bring Cash and Coins to Des Moines: In Iowa, it’s illegal to start a tab at a bar. This is a concept that undoubtedly leaves out of town patrons a-maized. Sorry, that was corny.

Texas Told’em Not to Buy a Reference Book: In Texas, the complete Encyclopedia Britannica collection is banned because one of the volumes contains a homemade beer recipe. We aren’t positive, but we think any Texan caught with this encyclopedia will probably get the death penalty.

No Drinking with the Fishes: In Ohio, the law states that it is illegal to get a fish drunk. Apparently, the “drinks like a fish” saying doesn’t apply to the marine life in this region. You can give a carp or a trout the worm, but you better drink the bottle of tequila all by yourself.

A Women’s Consent: Pennsylvania law prohibits a man from buying alcohol without a note of permission from his wife. This has turned women’s liberation into women’s libation and, not surprisingly, left many Pennsylvania men single.

Three at a time: The law of Texas states that no person can consume more than three sips of beer at a time if they are standing up. But, if they are falling over or stumbling around, then that may be a different story.

Unfair for Fairbanks Moose: In Fairbanks, Alaska, it is against the law to give a moose any kind of alcohol. This could be because moose don’t know when to say when or because they simply are a light weight. For whatever reason this law exists, the Alaskan moose consider it “bull.”

Obviously, the above laws are rarely – if ever – enforced in the industry of wine and spirits. This is for the better: those of us who love wine and beer would never be able to adhere to the above regulations. A world of alcohol that didn’t allow us to go out drinking with the boys, the girls, and the Alaskan wildlife, just wouldn’t be the same.

About the Author

Jennifer Jordan is the senior editor at http://www.savoreachglass.com. With a vast knowledge of wine etiquette, she writes articles on everything from how to hold a glass of wine to how to hold your hair back after too many glasses. Ultimately, she writes her articles with the intention that readers will remember wine is fun and each glass of anything fun should al

10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less

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