Here are the lyrics… or what I think she is saying. Feel free to leave a comment to correct anything.

Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Here’s a youtube vid, doubt it’ll stay online forever though.

Portman: I don’t sleep mother f***er
off that yak and durban
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: D**n Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the f*** up and suck my d**k
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers mother f***er
roll up on NBC and smack the s**t outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to f*** all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you s**t in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
f*** your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my d**k
It’s Portman mother f***er
drink till I’m sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you natalie
Portman: I wanna f*** you too
P is for portman
P is for <meow>
i’ll kill your f**in dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a s**t

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass biiiiiiiitch (hell yeah!)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my s**t gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my d**k is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

What!

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say “Mitch,” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that now matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap Lyrics & Video

Well, to prove that the blog has not passed on, I retrieved my password and wrote this little blurb.

Remember that song “Informer” by the white Irish-Canadian Jamaican Rapper Snow? Yeah, me too. I spent one whole day looking up info about this dude, whose real name is Darrin O’Brien. I found one picture of him in his standard “rapper” pose. Ha ha.

Anyway, he has a MySpace page, and his friends include your standard rap group… Snoop, Black Eyed Peas, etc. But you need to remember -

HE’S NOT A RAPPER. NOT NOT NOT. ME NO SAY DADDY ME SNOW ME I GO BLAM. A LEAKY BOOM BOOM DOWN. Ugh.