I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say “Mitch,” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that now matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Do you speak english?

Chuck Norris Video

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