Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. But he is so bad ass, he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When God said, “let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say ‘please’.”

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Here’s the video:

Chuck Norris on Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Cherokee Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.

If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris removed his own tonsils. He didn’t even have tonsillitis.

When Chuck Norris plays “Guess Who”, he doesn’t ask any questions. He stares at his game board until all the pieces flip down in fright, except for one. And that one, without fail, is the person you chose.

Chuck Norris’ smile can blind a full grown adult at 20 pages and also has been known to deflect all projectile weapons including rocket launchers.

On the weekends Chuck’s favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.

Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in Mexico due to roundhouse action related eye loss in children.

Mr. T may pity the fool, but Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.

A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris’ doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candies. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

When the Boogey-man goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris wears bear traps for sandals

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

Chuck Norris rode in to town on Friday, stayed 3 days and left on Friday. His horse was named Justice, and he can control the spin of the earth.

Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to a wall and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.

Hitler did not commit suicide, Chuck Norris got bored of fighting WWII and killed him.

99 % of Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1% is pain in your genitals. The other 10% contributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110%.

Ghandi used to be a Nazi before Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face. Showing him that violence is not the answer.

If you take a picture of Chuck Norris, from that day on, that camera will only develop that same picture of Chuck Norris, no matter what is in the lens’s sight.

Each individual sperm cell in Chuck Norris’ semen has a beard.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris invented the beard. He receives several million dollars in annual royalties from Santa Claus, Richard Dreyfuss, and Chewbacca.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris built the entire continent of Asia in two days using just a spoon and Teen People magazine.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.

It is believed that King Arthur’s legendary sword Excalibur is actually a strand of hair from Chuck Norris’ beard.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there

When Chuck Norris works out, he sweats fortitude.

Chuck Norris has bed sheets that are made from 60 grade sandpaper.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal round-house kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Here are the lyrics… or what I think she is saying. Feel free to leave a comment to correct anything.

Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Here’s a youtube vid, doubt it’ll stay online forever though.

Portman: I don’t sleep mother f***er
off that yak and durban
doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: D**n Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the f*** up and suck my d**k
I bust in dudes mouth like gushers mother f***er
roll up on NBC and smack the s**t outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to f*** all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you s**t in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
f*** your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my d**k
It’s Portman mother f***er
drink till I’m sick
slit your throat
and poor nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you natalie
Portman: I wanna f*** you too
P is for portman
P is for <meow>
i’ll kill your f**in dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit down on your face and take a s**t

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass biiiiiiiitch (hell yeah!)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my s**t gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my d**k is scared of you
girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

What!

Here are the Lazy Sunday (Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia) Lyrics.
Lazy Sunday,
Wake up in the late afternoon
Call Parnell just to see how he’s doin’
Hello?
What up, Parn!
Yo Samberg, what’s crackin’?
You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
Narnia!
Man it’s happ’nin’!
But first, my hunger pangs are stickin’ like duct tape.
Let’s hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes.
No doubt, that bakery’s got all the bomb frostings.
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.

Two! No, Six! No, Twelve! Baker’s Dozen!
I told’ja that I’m crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!
Yo, where’s the movie playin’?
Upper West Side, dude!
Let’s hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.
I prefer Mapquest!
That’s a good one too.
Google Maps is the best!
True that! Double true!
68th and Broadway.
Step on it, sucka!
What you wanna do Chris?
snack attack, mutha—-!

Hit the Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
Yes, the Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
We love that Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
Pass that Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!

Yo, stop at the deli.
The theatre is overpriced!
You got that backpack
I’m going to pack it up nice.
We don’t want security to get suspicious!
Mr. Pibbs and Red Vines equals crazy delicious.
Yo, reach in my pocket and pull out some dough,
Girl acted like she never seen a $10 before!
It’s all about the Hamiltons baby
Throw the snacks in a bag and I’m Ghost like Swayze.

Roll up to the theatre
Ticket buying what we’re handling,
You can call us Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons
Parked in our seats movie trivia’s the illest!
“What Friends alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?”
We answered so fast, it was scary:
Everyone stared in awe when we screamed “Matthew Perry!”
Then quiet in the theatre or it’s gonna get tragic
We’re about to be taken to a dream world of magic

In the Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
Yes, the Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
We love that Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
Pass that Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia!
Want to see the video? Click the link below:
Chronicles of Narnia Rap Video

And check out the SNL Digital Short featuring Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap Video

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say “Mitch,” and I say “what?” and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that now matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Click it right here!

Click this link to see all the lyrics from this Saturday Night Live Digital Short: Lazy Sunday.
Lazy Sunday Lyrics

And check out the SNL Digital Short featuring Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap Video

Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap Lyrics & Video

“A CONVENT in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows.Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior’s authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now. Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns…”

Maturing cheese becomes and internet star (Reuters): A large English cheddar cheese has become a star of the Internet, attracting more than 1 million viewers to sit and stare at it as it slowly ripens.

and…

Richard Cheese, Lounge Singer Extraordinarie: Richard covers such great songs as “Rape Me” by Nirvana, “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, and “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit.

and…

I Love Cheese!: The name says it all.

and…

What post would be complete without Wikipedia?: Cheese.