Tag Archives: Mitch Hedberg

Why I miss Mitch Hedberg

He was a funny, funny dude.

Check out Smoother’s earlier post.

Here are some of my fav’s, taken from Wikiquote:

  • Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going “Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
  • See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’.”
  • I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
  • I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.
  • I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.
  • I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
  • I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
  • I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”
  • I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
  • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.
  • I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here.
  • I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
  • I have a new CD; it’s in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I’m shopping. That’s how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

Funny stuff.  His new CD came out 9/9.  Get it.  Now.